A bad day with anxiety

Originally posted on Medium 12th Feb https://medium.com/@arcarver87/a-bad-day-with-anxiety-9b172028b752

Leaving the house is always a struggle for me, I have difficulty with social anxiety that makes it incredibly hard for me to deal with people, especially in groups, and noise, not to mention a few other things.

Given a choice I will stay at home, out of the way, though even that isn’t guaranteed to keep my anxiety under control.

Today I decided to do something I have been putting off for a while, go to the big Asda to do some shopping. Usually I go to the local shops, I can be there and back in next to no time, but there are a few things I can’t get at the local shops, so periodically I have to endure a trip to Asda.

Going to Asda presents a number of problems for me; firstly it takes 2 buses to get there, which isn’t fun since I’m not keen on travelling by bus, then the shop is invariably filled with people, which I don’t like, and lastly they are constantly moving things around, requiring me to hunt for what I’m after.

My first thought when I got up this morning was to hope for an excuse not to go, but since there wasn’t one available I forced myself to go out. My anxiety steadily grew as I endured the buses, and then made my way round the shop, an experience made more trying by the fact that I was there with my mum and she suffered a stroke last year, which gives her difficulties, and she is in the early stages of dementia so she forgets things.

I wanted to return home the moment I left, and by the time I got to the till I really wished I had followed my instincts.

There was only 2 things I desperately wanted from Asda, everything else I could get at the local shops, and wouldn’t you know it, not only could I not find what I was after, I couldn’t even find space on the shelves for what I wanted. As far as I can tell, Asda has stopped selling the items I went there for, making the entire trip a waste of time.

If that isn’t bad enough, I got home feeling too exhausted to do anything more than simply sit down and do nothing. This would be fine, if I didn’t want to get 30 pages of editing done on my latest book; that doesn’t seem like it’s going to happen, though, because right now, 2 hours after I got home, writing this is taking pretty much every scrap of mental energy I have.

Anxiety sucks, and if I wasn’t determined to get some editing done today, even if it isn’t the 30 pages I want done, I’d head upstairs for a nap, in the hope of feeling better afterwards.